‘Tis the season to ask all the wrong questions

The thing about writing a blog is that there’s a written account of things I meant to do….or things I wish I had never done….but most often of things that make me look a fool. It’s not a talent, mind you, I am just naturally foolish. Foolish and not very shy. Case in point, my ambitious rule of the PTA bulletin board at Gavin’s school.

I promise…

…I’m coming back. I’m getting something together and am hoping it will be just the right blend of sarcasm, dim wit, and judgment. That last part may be me judging someone or you judging me. More than likely it will be you judging me as I just give everyone around me side-eye. Side-eye and duckface…that’s a really good combo.

Back in a few…

Gone fishin’ for a couple of days. No, I am not trolling cougar-friendly dating websites (shout out to my girlfriend, L.!). I’ll catch ya back in a few days. Until then, enjoy this link to my favorite new website (courtesy of the always funny Jessica).

IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

I’m off to visit my favorite bull:

2006 and 3 years younger...sigh

This bull seems taller this year. WTF?

If Heidi Fleiss were cast to play me as a mom…

I have lied to myself for years, 10 to be exact, convincing myself that I would be ready when the time comes to talk to Gavin about the Facts of Life. I guess in my mind I thought we’d be having a lovely conversation about Mrs. Garrett and the girls at Eastland School, probably over a nice cup of tea. I’m starting to realize the full extent of my delusions this week and I am eager to pass this task on to Tom.

Do you lick a piglicker or does it lick you?

I really should not be that entertained by pork products and sexual innuendo but I AM! I also really should have fewer posts about pork in general, but I try not to outdo myself by thinking up new topics. That would just seem like I was showing off and I am MODEST. Maybe I should have said humble there, but I don’t really know what that means nor do I care to find out. But what I do care about are sammiches. Delicious, delicious sammiches filled with meats and cheeses, sprinkled with choice spices and splashed with vinegar.

Adding “waffle” to the end of any word is just going to make it funnier

If you are like me and are living in a house where the males outnumber the females by any margin, then you know that doodie is gonna get a lot of laughs. In fact, in my house, just dropping the word “poop” is gonna elicit a fit of giggles from someone. I guess I’m used to it from growing up with 2 brothers. It wasn’t until I was 9 that my sister came along and evened up our numbers but I’m sure at that age I still thought poop was pretty hilarious.

I take a stand for laughter and love

Some conversations stop me in my tracks. I had one of these conversations on Saturday. My mom called me to wish me a happy birthday. During our phone call, she asked me what I wanted the most over this next year.

I have just the thing to go with all of those flamingos

When I blogged a few weeks ago about being able to hide a bunch of flamingo related items and tiny bottles of vodka in a tiny chest of drawers in my house, what I meant to say was that I was going to hide my thimble collection….and tiny bottles of booze. No, I kid about the booze. But I am SERIOUS about my thimble collection.

Don’t be frontin’ chickenhead!

When your friends have t-shirts made to remind you of the correct use of popular slang, it’s time to recommit to your Urban Dictionary Word of the Day subscription. Even though most of the daily phrases or words consists of verbiage you might only use when you are shitfaced drunk, it’s still important to slur that phrase appropriately…lest you be judged by someone who is sober.

You can refer to her as your “special friend”

Gavin’s age hasn’t even reached double digits and he wants to go on a date. I am not okay with this. I explained that 9 is too young to start going on dates, to which he replied, “Mom, you don’t run everything in my life.”