Some conversations stop me in my tracks. I had one of these conversations on Saturday. My mom called me to wish me a happy birthday. During our phone call, she asked me what I wanted the most over this next year.
I started to say something safe. Something I knew would be attainable and was a low risk subject. And while I consider myself a goal-oriented person, it was the “most” in her question that caught my attention. She wasn’t asking what I planned to do with my house over the next year or what type of vacation plans I might be making. She was asking my heart’s desire. And for the first time in over a year, I felt strong enough to be vulnerable.
I told her I wanted a baby more than anything. Last summer, after trying for a long time, I got pregnant. It was a joyful time. It seemed meant to be that Tom and I found out on our 5-year anniversary, when we had just renewed our vows rather spontaneously, that we were going to have a baby. I had a miscarriage a few weeks later. And though the pain of that loss has taken its patient time engulfing everything about me, it’s that very pain that has taught me to grow.
June 2008 - 5 year anniversary
When I told my mom my desire, she told me, with slight hesitation, that she bought a little girl’s quilt just the other day because she was overcome with the feeling that I was going to have a baby. The protective shelter I still try to provide myself took over and I kept up a positive demeanor throughout the rest of our talk. But when I hung up the phone, I wept. And when I relayed the story to my husband later, I wept. And when I go over it now, I weep. Yet, I feel strength in letting go of this pain.
Usually, my God meets me through humor. I feel connected and close through laughter. Laughter with my family, with my friends, or with an acquaintance. It’s that healing connection that brought Tom and I together. It’s what keeps us strong and in love after 7 years together. It’s laughing at whatever happens in life that gets me through it. If I didn’t laugh so much, I would cry. And when I need to cry, it’s the strength of the God of my understanding and the bonds with people in my life that bring me to the other side. Today, I thank you for sharing your laughter.
A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship – Rilke
Heartful Art by Raphaella Vaisseau
Hey! This is Michele (Beene) – we went to school together – I cheered for the Bombers, too!
This post is beautiful. I too struggled to get pregnant and miscarried my first. I’ve since had 2 babies and one more miscarriage, which for the record hurts no less the second time. I’ll be praying for you to get pregnant this year. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I can relate, and I too want another baby in the next couple of years. I don’t think it will happen because my husband is done at 2. So maybe if you could pray for us too . . . I understand your desire. Good luck this year.
Oh, Holly. Tears are pouring down my face reading this. I want to reach out through this computer and give you a great big hug. I love you so much, my beautiful, talented, outrageous, caring, awesome friend. As you know, I had a miscarriage as well. I know how painful it is and I am sending you strength and courage to laugh even more. You will get pregnant and you guys will have the baby that you want so much. I love you and am here for you any time.
Holly,
I understand that longing for a child very well as I am unable to have children. My family and I pray for a miracle but so far I’ve only ever had a child in my dreams. It’s interesting because she’s always a little girl and I’ve seen her at various stages of baby. I find comfort in that and long to dream in hopes of being with her.
It sounds quite spirit-filled of your Mom to have been drawn to that girl’s blanket. So much so that she HAD to buy it. That says a lot, Holly. The Lord may be preparing you through her. I’ll pray about it. I want so much for your heart to be filled, Holly. I know it IS as far as your current status with husband and darling Gavin, but there’s always room for another child.
Mara
Hey, sweets. Beautiful post. We have been trying for our first child for almost a year and I have been on Clomid and other fertility drugs to no avail. This month my doctor recommended it was time to see the specialist. Ugh. Maybe he will have some amazing insight, but I am guessing we will be getting our baby the fancy new expensive way — from a petri dish. I also told my mother to start learning Chinese in case we need to adopt . . . . She does not find me funny. Keep your chin up, sister. I think you have amazing blessings coming your way.