Do you lick a piglicker or does it lick you?

I really should not be that entertained by pork products and sexual innuendo but I AM! I also really should have fewer posts about pork in general, but I try not to outdo myself by thinking up new topics. That would just seem like I was showing off and I am MODEST. Maybe I should have said humble there, but I don’t really know what that means nor do I care to find out. But what I do care about are sammiches. Delicious, delicious sammiches filled with meats and cheeses, sprinkled with choice spices and splashed with vinegar.

And today, a horrible lady at the store ruined my afternoon when she took the last Italian Hoagie. I mean, I went there specifically to get an Italian Hoagie and she salami-blocked me! The nerve. I swear I had been dreaming of that sandwich for all of an hour before I decided I should stop and get one.

This was supposed to be lunch.

Actually, it was more like two hours because that’s about how long it took me to get my nails and eyebrows done. Which is a fantastic thing. My sister gave me a spa certificate and I used the hell out of it. She’s pretty awesome as far as sisters and people in the UNIVERSE go. And she also loves bacon and sammies. So, pretty….much….allyoueverneedinmybook.

But when I was having the spa treatments, the women kept talking about some diet pill they were all taking that they swore made a friend of a friend of a friend of someone from somewhere obscure like Oil Trough, AR (population: 218) lose 70 pounds in 7 months. And they SWORE it did not make them cracked out and I’m surprised I even made out what they were saying with their rapid-fire cracktalk like they were straight up from Crackistan. And that it’s all natural. And that there are no legitimate claims or studies or verifiable information as to why it’s being taken off the market. Those chicks really need some sammiches in their lives. 6-foot hoagie needed, STAT!

I guess my pork/sammich/immature insinuations ménage-a-3 (I’m good at French!) came to head with the presence of the Arkansas State Fair. I L-O-V-E the Arkansas State Fair. We never miss an opportunity to drive down Roosevelt and point out Juvenile Hall to Gavin, or “Jubee” as he refers to it. Great. He already has a cutesy name for it. But as far as the fair goes, I love the lights, the crowd, the cooler weather it signifies, the rides (mostly), the carnies (totally), the milking a cow simulator (you should really try it), the foods on sticks (I get my best recipes here), and the vomit on the ground (Parfum de Fair).

The Lights!

The chocolate covered bacon sprinkled with sea salt! Actually, it’s probably just table salt, but you will never really know.

Mostly, though, I love the vinegar French fries that are sold by Eastern Europeans. Is that right to say? Eastern Europeans sounds PC, but I am not in the know when it comes to those things. I’m probably okay either way since I’m talking about their delectable, hand-cut (I saw them peeling and cutting them. Fairmazing!) french fries that you can douse with Malt Vinegar. I had 2 buckets. 2 ½ if you count the one Tom dropped while I was on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Move people! Baby needs her 3rd bucket of fries!

I was also fortunate enough to spot a stand from the top of the Ferris Wheel that simply read “Sandwich Stand.” Best. Stand name. Ever! Tom was not as impressed as I, but he was just trying to act better than me. As though he doesn’t get excited about the combination of breads and meats. I guess what really got me excited about the fair this year was when my friend, who was an Official Livestock Presenter, told me she would meet up with me later because first she had to “shave some hogs” and “shine some pigs.” I know. It sounds dirty. Real dirty. But she was just getting ready to present some pigs for judging. By the way, the winner received a FREE BUCKET OF HOG SPERM. This was not a raffle. I asked.

And from the top, you can pinpoint the exact location of the next delicious food vendor you wish to visit.