If Heidi Fleiss were cast to play me as a mom…

I have lied to myself for years, 10 to be exact, convincing myself that I would be ready when the time comes to talk to Gavin about the Facts of Life. I guess in my mind I thought we’d be having a lovely conversation about Mrs. Garrett and the girls at Eastland School, probably over a nice cup of tea. I’m starting to realize the full extent of my delusions this week and I am eager to pass this task on to Tom.

I’m pretty sure I spent the first 8 or so years of motherhood bolstering myself for moments like we’ve had lately. I’ve told myself that I would be the kind of mom who talks to her kid honestly about sex and was willing to answer his questions. Why would I think such horrible things? I know this stems from the unfortunate experience of my mom convincing me that when I decided to have sex I needed to tell her so she could put me on birth control. And I jumped on that landmine! Yes, one afternoon I casually hopped on the kitchen counter while my mom was baking a pie (true Hallmark moment) and dropped my bomb. By her reaction, things would have gone just as smoothly had I told her I was running a high-class escort service. Man, to go back in time and run a high-class escort service.

But as of late, I am starting to empathize with my mom and what she went through with 4 different kids. I think the first thing to really throw me off was Gavin’s obsession with developing body hair. I mean, this was the kid who referred to puberty as “pruberty” and I was perfectly fine with that. I was not prepared for him to run into the kitchen while I was cooking and show me his junk while yelling, “Mooooommm…I grew a hair!” Trust that I immediately sent him in Tom’s direction because I was not about to get down and inspect his wee bits. But I am ready for him to become obsessed with deodorant…and not the Axe Body Spray he was using so liberally for a while.

And now this week I have gotten TWO questions that have made me reconsider my stance on honesty. It was a weak stance to begin with. The first was, “Mom, what are those things they sell in bathrooms?” I took a moment and thought about the different ways this conversation could go. 1) I could tell him they are tampons because that is a legitimate response. But I had no doubt Gavin would have clarified his question by saying, “No. The men’s bathroom.”

Mrs. Garrett?!

2) I could lie and say they were balloons because he might have fallen for it. But then I realized he would definitely buy one and try to blow it up. And probably take it to school. It would have been similar to the time I dug what I thought were Wet Naps out of my parent’s drawer but unfortunately rolled a bunch of condoms down my fingers and ran to the living room to ask what they were. The vein on my dad’s head nearly exploded. So I couldn’t go that route.

So I went with the truth and told him they were condoms, which of course led to their purpose. He didn’t question me on their use in preventing the transmission of STDs, mainly because I said it just like that, but he wasn’t going to leave use as birth control alone. What is birth control? I thought the purpose of having sex was to make a baby? Yes. Well then why would people have sex if they weren’t making a baby? And nothing would come to my mind! GAHHHHH! So naturally I said what I was thinking. Because people like the way it feels. O. M. G. What is wrong with me? In my defense, I gave him an honest answer. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about what he was going to do with this information.

However, it did not stop me from telling him when he asked me, “What does ‘bang’ mean?” that it was a rude way for people to say having sex. I just need to back away from this situation and let Tom take over. I am floundering and giving up way too much information this early in the game. Naturally.