Even my feet are flipping these off

It’s official that I have now seen the pair of shoes that would be the absolute biggest mess on my feet ever. I don’t hide the fact that I’m not a fan of Converse. I don’t hold anything in particular against this iconic shoe or anyone who wears them. It’s more that I feel like a clown when I wear them. A clown and a poseur. A clown because they accentuate my large feet due to my overly long toes, and a poseur because I’ve never worn them before and if I start now it would just seem like I’m trying to pull off a “look” that is all too obviously not me.

YOU’RE a Tranny Scarf!

I need to opt out of receiving emails from J. Crew about their sales, new items, and free shipping. I don’t need anything from J. Crew, but I want it all. I don’t even know why. Most of their stuff just makes me look like an asshole, but in the catalog it looks all artsy and carefree. Seriously. I can just see myself and my carefully tousled (NOT GREASY) hair, sauntering into work one morning (NOT HUNG OVER), wearing a sassy black suit, t-shirt, and Converse…es. Converses? I don’t think that’s right; therefore I cannot PULL OFF THIS HIPSTER LOOK.

Note the casual asshole assuredness captured in this picture.

It’s like today when I got an email from J. to the Crew asking me if I would like to mortgage my life to them on their shoes, cashmere, and jewelry.