Rogue Breastfeeders is not a new band

Following directions is hard. Unless the directions are something like Be awesome! or Buy this shiny object! I am usually distracted, bored, or otherwise completely disinterested. Do not judge me. I know this is why message boards were created. They were for losery people to get on and ask their dumb questions anonymously. So I’ve taken the liberty of listing the manufacturer’s warnings/directions while (typo – should be for) taking Ambien and now you can know that you are not the only one with such creative thoughts. Well, only the italicized parts are from the manufacturer/drug pimp.

Titan of Sucking and Blowing

A lot of people promote their assiness in this world. Few do it as well as the Dyson guy. James Dyson. James Assface Dyson. Every time he opens his mouth on his pretentious vacuum commercials it’s always four wheels can only go in a straight line this and a ball can turn on a dime that and I’m left feeling completely shamed and inadequate about my vacuum cleaner choices.

Toby’s Dirty Little Secret

I never knew my dog, Toby, was such a slut. We’ve always had him pegged as more of an aging, asexual, fancy dog who is VERY particular about his hair. Particular as in if a shadow so much as casts its dirty light on him he goes ballistic. He’s some sort of Australian Shepherd (we lie and tell him he’s rare and the last of his kind) so he has long hair, which only serves to further conceal his tiny peen. You can tell he gets all angsty and self-conscious about this and will then throw a mean power-hump into our other dog, PJ.

But the worst display of Toby’s whorishness had to be last Labor Day when Tom and I took a trip to Eureka Springs.